Apr 282010

my never ending carnival ride.Okay, what the HELL is wrong with me!I went to a Daughtry¬†concert, spent time with family and had a good time. I should feel good right? WRONG!I guess that moments of happiness are just what they are moments because I feel pretty shity, I’m tired, I’m done and I don’t want to do this anymore! I feel like I am on a carnival ride that refuses to let me off. I’m upside down, inside out and let’s face it fucked up!!!Just a few weeks ago I was feeling pretty good and now its like it never happened. I haven’t really been sleeping and its evident when I am awake because I feel like I’m dreaming only its the worst FUCKING nightmare imaginable. I hurt, I ache and I am just sooo….there isn’t even a word for it! I just want off this¬†DAMN ride!!!

Apr 062010

I know I have problems. I know that one of the vast array of annoying symptoms of my greater psychosis is simple paranoia. I get these flashes of thought like, “Man I shouldn’t have said that, now they totally think I’m gay.” or, JEEZE retard! Why did you just walk into this room, now everyone is staring.”

I know that these are rather common thought patterns. everyone has moments where they regret saying or doing things that were reckless… but my brain tends to take it to the next level. I start thinking I’m doing things or NOT doing things I should or shouldn’t do and I think I don’t REALIZE I’m doing or not doing these things because I’m not picking up on the sociological “hints” people give off… then I start to hyper analyze everything to the point that I start to see my OWN idiocies and I start to piss MYSELF off!!!

yeah… Just because I’m paranoid, doesn’t mean they aren’t out to be overly nice to my peanut buttered toast!